Afternoon Tea 9.7.21 - Pizza Dumpster Blob

(Editor’s Note: With a hurricane, a deluge of toxicity, and some lovely new connections under our belt, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress!) 

Insurrectionists are using Amazon Ring cameras as firing holes when cops show up, there’s a giant pizza dough blob slowly eating a dumpster in NOLA, you can buy a full Triceratops skeleton, Chinese mobile app use of push notifications is ludicrous, an 80lb cougar was found in a NYC apartment, and Germany’s ambassador to China was found dead two weeks after arriving. It’s Tuesday, September 7th 2021, and this is your Tea. Today’s vibe, future footwork from Cookiee Kawaii, can best be described as “the music Ruby Rhod’s ballet dancer assassins listen to while hunting.”

German ambassador to China dies two weeks into the job (Reuters) While Americans complain about headaches in Cuba & adjacent to Russian embassy installations, we can’t imagine the Chinese planned to straight up merk the German ambassador before the usual 30-90 day new hire period.

You Won’t Believe the Clickbaity Chaos of Chinese Apps (Sixth Tone) After reading this, we will never complain about obnoxious push notifications ever again. The idea that your phone would lose up to 50% of its battery power just handling the ~150 push notifications you get from Chinese apps, makes us want to actively bet against some of these firms. That kind of behavior is beyond gross.

Boogaloo Bois Are Using Amazon Ring Doorbells to Protect Them From the FBI (VICE News) Insurrectionists are using Amazon Ring cameras to get the drop on law enforcement officers at their front door. If this doesn’t sound like a recipe for an Amazon-enabled neo-Waco to you, we’d love to talk to you about some bridge related real-estate down on the Brooklyn waterfront.

How Bloomberg News Went Out of Its Way To Appease China’s Regime (Vanity Fair) & The Times, Bloomberg News, and the Richest Man in China (New Yorker - 2015) Everyone loves a good “Mike Bloombucks doesn’t win” story! The second, a longer, more deplorable read, shows just where the patriotism & love of our Bill of Rights ends and big money starts to talk. We have to wonder how the world would look today if Xi Jinping actually gave Zuckerberg’s kid a Chinese name back in 2015.

Misunderstanding the Taliban (Foreign Exchanges) Anyone shocked that a local resistance, that has fought against foreign invaders since they booted the CIA-funded mujahideen, has local support and was able to take over their country, really needs to sit down and educate their minds.

Northshore pizza dough blob grows to enormous proportions, overtakes dumpster post-Ida (NOLA) This is easily our favorite Ida related story. A pizza spot dropped a giant dough blob into a dumpster before the hurricane, but because yeast and physics, the thing kept growing, and has now grown larger than the dumpster that previously contained it. Do we replace “dumpster fire” with “dumpster yeast blob?”

New York City apartment enforces "no pets" policy by evicting 80-pound cougar (AV Club) No, the 80lb cougar wasn’t an older woman with a $500-a-week cocaine problem. NYC continues to be annoyed it can’t have Tiger King x I Love New York.

Fossil confiscated in police raid is one of the most complete pterosaur skeletons ever found (CNN) & The skeleton of the world's biggest Triceratops goes on sale (CTV News) The pairing felt perfect. Not only can you buy a Tri-tops skeleton if you’ve got a few million you’re not doing anything with, but can you imagine the cops raiding this house? “Hey boss, I think we might need to call the museum.”

2021 Comedy Wildlife Photography Finalists (Bored Panda) Presented for your viewing pleasure, and some of of these shots do not miss.

Poem of the Tea: Ross Gay provides some quietly potent words to turn the other cheek. Both to one’s mind, and those who would do you harm.

Yours,