Afternoon Tea 5.10.21 - Emotional Support Yacht

Jeff Bezos spent half a billion dollars on a yacht that needs its own support yacht, 3% of US iOS users are actually cool with Facebook targeting the snot out of them, the world thinks we’re the worst threat to global democracy, and hacker collective DarkSide hacked the Colonial Pipeline System, a headline that’s clearly from the future. It’s Monday, May 10th 2021, and this is your Tea (source for the mural)

US fuel pipeline hackers ‘didn’t mean to create problems’ (BBC) & FBI Statement on Compromise of Colonial Pipeline Networks (FBI) DarkSide, a hacking collective, must have gotten spooked or truly had no idea what infrastructure a member of their group was targeting in this ransomware attack. The FBI statement, Biden task force and severe gasoline price fluctuations make me want to watch Hackers again this week. A number of people are in a hysterical amount of trouble, and I’m interested to see where this goes.

Jeff Bezos’s New Superyacht Heralds Roaring Market for Big Boats (Bloomberg Wealth) My favorite factoid about this yacht is that its masts are too big for it to have a helipad, so it needs a separate “support yacht” with a helipad. The rest of the article is infuriatingly packed with anecdotes about how big ass yachts are the best place to beat COVID social distancing restrictions, as a class of “explorer yacht” can stay at sea for over 9000 nautical miles of travel. To put the over-$500 million cost in context, this boat will cost 2x as much as the Washington Post.

Amazon Fake Reviews Scam Exposed in Data Breach (Safety Detectives) & The Impact of Loomis v. Amazon on Third-party Retailers (Milestone Legal Examiner) Amazon knew seller data was used to boost company sales (Politico) & Masafumi Ito, leader of the Amazon Japan Union, sues for wrongful termination (RestOfWorld) Hand in hand with the maxi-yacht news, Amazon fired the leader of the Japan union some time back, and Amazon Marketplace is apparently a hive of scum & villainy. To recap, a court found Amazon liable for 3rd party products sold on Amazon Marketplace, the place where non-Amazon vendors can sell you stuff. Remember those hoverboards that caught fire? Division Eight of the California Court of Appeal for the Second District unanimously found that Amazon was liable for damages. Secondly, that whole “Amazon is a marketplace and a competitor” thing came sharply into focus when it came out that Amazon e-commerce team members had data on Marketplace sales from non-Amazon companies. If that smells like a conflict of interest to you, your COVID symptoms are getting better. Lastly, a non-Amazon security team unearthed a giant fake reviews scam ring, and Amazon reacted by…banning Chinese marketplace vendors that might have used them? So, all in all, Amazon Marketplace is basically as safe as trying to set up a fruit stand 3,000 miles into the Amazon rainforest.

Melinda Gates met with divorce lawyers in 2019 amid Epstein revelations (Axios) If Bill Gates and Donald Trump were both somehow involved in Epstein’s death, just turn the simulation off and turn it back on again. Maybe jiggle the wire the universe is plugged into, we need a reboot.

Politician’s Zoom background Can’t Hide Fact That He’s Actually Driving (Gizmodo) Pro-Tip: If you’re an Ohio Senate Republican debating a bill that adds penalties for “Distracted Driving,” take the meeting in your office, bedroom, or literally anywhere except your car. I don’t care how good you think you are at Zoom masking, it’s a 13 minute meeting. Go to a fucking Arby’s, and not the drive-thru.

Too Bad, Zuck: Just 4% of US iPhone Users Let Apps Track Them After iOS Update (Gizmodo) After Apple launched the latest iOS update that now prompts iPhone users to opt-in to allow apps (like Facebook) to track their activity to deliver targeted ads, 3% of US iOS users and 5% of non-US iOS users have allowed that tracking. Facebook and thousands of targeting-driven businesses are about to have a very bad quarter of revenue from iPhone users. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. For a full, cheeky breakdown of how Apple just ate the lunch of the entire targeted advertising world, Mobile Dev Memo has you covered. 

Trump Spawned a New Group of Mega-Donors Who Now Hold Sway Over the GOP’s Future (ProPublica) This is both horrifying and oddly comforting. The GOP just might be too greedy to resist the siren song of short term profit, losing the chance to maintain minority rule for another generation or two.

The White House can raise taxes on the wealthy without touching the tax code at all (Vox) The way to fund essentially all the citizen-first programs that we’re told we don’t have the cash for isn’t by spiking taxes to Eisenhower levels (Editor’s Note: don’t you tease me), it’s by making sure the almost half trillion in annual tax gap (gap between what the IRS is owed and what it actually gets), is closed. #FundTheIRS

US seen as bigger threat to democracy than Russia or China, global poll finds (Guardian) From 50,000 respondents across 53 countries, the USA is the biggest threat to global democracy, more so than Russia & China. Don’t worry, we’ll free the shit out of those 50 countries running their mouth, the moment after we find fossil fuels or rare earths in their ground.

Afghanistan is being overrun by crystal meth as US begins withdrawal (Business Insider) & ‘A dirty business’: how one drug is turning Syria into a narco-state (Guardian) Hey y’all, can we not turn the Middle East into the next season of Narcos please? Cheap, potent stimulants are worth their weight in gold when it comes to paramilitary forces staying awake for extended periods of time. Captagon is as close to an “ISIS Drug” that exists in this world, that I can’t recommend anyone take.

The Business Class Has Been Fearmongering About Worker Shortages for Centuries (The Intercept - Voices) It’s almost as if slavery, prison labor, indentured servitude, and all of that crap existed just to increase the profits of the business class, and it never actually changed.

Song of the Tea: This mashup is unnerving, wonderful, and almost confusingly well done. I have no idea how this was created, but I’ll take as much as I can get.

If you only have one shot, eat something other than pasta before taking it. Unless you’re carbo loading.

Yours,

P.S. Because Lose Yourself was mentioned, we have to add this perfect Tweet: